no matter.

i'm glad i could keep my eyes dry.
i'm glad i could keep laughing while your mom, spent 10 minutes looking for her cell, frantically.
(you were talking on it.).
while she lookied for it, again and again, in the next few hours, finding it, misplacing it again.


i'm glad i could say you're going to be just cool sunday, when your friend was standing there, tears welling in her eyes. (although when i hugged her, and joked about how she seems like she needs a hug, my heart breaking within me, i probably needed that hug more than even she did.
i could see just how much she adores and loves you. i knew i was not alone in my fear and pain.)

i'm glad i didn't break down untill i was safely away, saying again and again, on the phone, where i am, getting the name of the street wrong every time, while they were trying to find me, explaining there's no way i'm where i'm saying i am.



didn't you know?

i couldn't care less.

i just wanted to walk home, untill my body breaks and bleeds and fails and screams and hurts.

nothing matters.



i never told you.
(i call you "brother" when i think of you.)



you hugged me, before i left.
so close.

like brothers.

like friends.

understanding lashing between us, like storms of dreams and sand.




my dearest.

i listen to your music.

time and time again.




silent prayers, wishes and tears screaming through the still cood air overhead.
i am afraid.

of losing you.

of seeing you suffer through years ahead.

of this awareness, that one day you WILL be gone from my life, never to return.



my brother.
my dearest.


i wish you knew just how much i love you.



i have told you this in the past. always will.

no matter what happens.

truly.

...