duress code.

"Good Morning After All"


Yeah you give up some days
When the tears they must flow
But God is always your strength

The only strength that you know
Now everything starts to fall in place

As you wake just to crawl
Still you say good morning after all
Yeah you stand just to fall
Still you say good morning after all

Yeah you questioned this life
Sure you wondered about love
But you swear there's always hope
Always hope from above
Now everything starts to fall into place

It's just another breath
It's just another breath you say
It's just another step
It's just another step today


my duress code.
I'm GREAT!!!

:D



("All my family said that was not the ? we knew. It was the first time we saw him speaking in full sentences.”)

no.

it was only the first time he screamed so hard
you had no choice but to hear.

i'm sorry.

but that one is up on your collective neck, humanity.

no matter.

i'm glad i could keep my eyes dry.
i'm glad i could keep laughing while your mom, spent 10 minutes looking for her cell, frantically.
(you were talking on it.).
while she lookied for it, again and again, in the next few hours, finding it, misplacing it again.


i'm glad i could say you're going to be just cool sunday, when your friend was standing there, tears welling in her eyes. (although when i hugged her, and joked about how she seems like she needs a hug, my heart breaking within me, i probably needed that hug more than even she did.
i could see just how much she adores and loves you. i knew i was not alone in my fear and pain.)

i'm glad i didn't break down untill i was safely away, saying again and again, on the phone, where i am, getting the name of the street wrong every time, while they were trying to find me, explaining there's no way i'm where i'm saying i am.



didn't you know?

i couldn't care less.

i just wanted to walk home, untill my body breaks and bleeds and fails and screams and hurts.

nothing matters.



i never told you.
(i call you "brother" when i think of you.)



you hugged me, before i left.
so close.

like brothers.

like friends.

understanding lashing between us, like storms of dreams and sand.




my dearest.

i listen to your music.

time and time again.




silent prayers, wishes and tears screaming through the still cood air overhead.
i am afraid.

of losing you.

of seeing you suffer through years ahead.

of this awareness, that one day you WILL be gone from my life, never to return.



my brother.
my dearest.


i wish you knew just how much i love you.



i have told you this in the past. always will.

no matter what happens.

truly.

...

acceptance.

- - -

i am running down a line of broken trees, chasing the vandal, pleading and begging him to stop mutilating the things i love in this life.

but he is too fast, and i can't seem to catch up to him, and as i run, the trees have faces, and all the pain of loneliness in this world is clear to me.

but as i run, i also know that there are other paths, of clear, full, unbroken trees, for me to travel and enjoy, if i choose to do so, and something in me wonders why is it that i simply won't give up.

- - -

when you offer friendship, for any reason, to anyone, your only gratification is in the pain and pleasure of giving your heart, your soul, your kindness, and your trust away.

do not demand friendship in return, do not demand, or expect, ACCEPTANCE.

it was a hard lesson for me to learn, and a very painful one.

as i was wondering, whether i have the strength to go the same way i have traversed yet again, the lesson was taught to me.

no one is responsible for your life but you, and you can only decide what you do WITH YOUR OWN LIFE.
you have, and should have, NO influence over the lives of others, and the first sign of true friendship would be accepting that.


but i did expect acceptance. i expected you to see what is being offered, understand it's importance. my heart was truly broken when none came.

i see now that only i am to blame for this pain. and i can truly say it is a relief.

so i am sorry if in my pain i have shown you anything but what i came to offer.

i am thankful for the lesson learned, and for how much lighter my heart feels tonight.




sleep well, everyone.
be kind.


peace,
shade.

against and the wrongs of others, and nothing indeed.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He's a perfect stranger,
Like a cross
of himself and a fox.
He's a feeling arranger
And a changer
of the ways he talks.
He's the unforeseen danger
The keeper of
the key to the locks.
Know when you see him,
Nothing can free him.
Step aside, open wide,
It's the loner.

If you see him in the subway,
He'll be down
at the end of the car.
Watching you move
Until he knows
he knows who you are.
When you get off
at your station alone,
He'll know that you are.
Know when you see him,
Nothing can free him.
Step aside, open wide,
It's the loner.

There was a woman he knew
About a year or so ago.
She had something
that he needed
And he pleaded
with her not to go.
On the day that she left,
He died,
but it did not show.
Know when you see him,
Nothing can free him.
Step aside, open wide,
It's the loner.


- - - - - - - - - -

.. / ..-. --- .-. . ...- . .-. / - .-. -.-- / -... ..- - / ... --- -- . - .. -- . ... / .. / .-- --- -. -.. . .-. / .. ..-. / .. / .... .- ...- . / - .... . / ... - .-. . -. --. - .... / - --- / - ..- .-. -. / - .... . / - .. -.. . .-.-.-

3 weeks.

almost over.

oh well.

it was fun finding out how having friends feels :)

oh well.

back to the old reality stuff now.

nameless, formless, faceless, selfless.

names are handles.
whether soundwaves, or slender curving shapes on paper, or neat rows of dots on screen.
tying down elusive concepts, and like any other handle, a name is a convention, a tool.

a tool to distinguish one in many.

can you truly touch something nameless?
can you understand a concept, for which there are no words?

can you connect to a selfless soul?

to me, anonymity seems to imply certain selflessness, for if there is no distinction between any two units of crowd - the concept of self seems not to be applicable to any of the units any more.

---

i am truly sorry to put you, singular and unique beings, through those ungraceful ramblings of my mind, but most of my communication today takes place in the virtual "world", and the concept of loneliness is often on my mind.

i wonder, how much merit communication bears, if it remains a cloud of words, untied to any name.

on trust and failure.

i seem to find better and better reasons not to sleep.

i spent most of the night trying to convince someone that his life if worth living, that some people are still worth trusting, and that the fact that he was hurt, (very) badly in the past, is no reason to give up on his future.

i am so tired and discouraged now, and while of course is no reason to "take it out" on anyone, (and it is indeed not my intention) i just want to put my two meager cents in.

you see, when you say that life is not worth living, that men/women/(insert tag here) are (insert quantifier/classification/insult here), you are creating a self-fulfilling prophesy, of sorts.

see, there is no such a thing as "people in general". there are no "men", "women", "gays", "straights".

there are only individual personalities.

if someone sees the persons around them as a whole unit, or even as a segmented group, they will never find anyone trustworthy indeed.

and well, how could they? they are so sure noone is worth their trust, because he is a man/a woman/married/happy/gay/straight/too young/too old/,____ that they never even notice it when someone is doing every possible thing to help.

trust is not earned. it is given. freely.
if it is broken, as it will, undoubtedly happen from time to time - it is revoked.
hearts are broken. and are healed with time.
to be given away again, freely.

that's it.

and no.

there is no way to go through this world experiencing only pleasure, or only pain.
there is a measure of both pleasure and pain in store for each of us, never fair, or equal.
sometimes it breaks my heart, to see how unfairly it is distributed around the world.

but still, they are both there.

pain to teach us lessons, and pleasure to keep us learning them.



we get our hearts broken, our lives ruined, our loved ones become lost to us.

just to learn again, the unrivaled pleasure of finding new friends. falling in love. building a home.

we have all been hurt, terribly, sometimes.
but it does not do, to judge the future by the pain of things past.
if you were hurt before - yes. it might happen again.
it might be even worse.

BUT IF YOU DO NOT TRY AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE - IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

it is YOUR CHOICE.
to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and give yourself, and this life, another chance, or quietly slip into the oh so welcoming despair.

i am tired and hurt tonight.

i cannot seem to make anyone understand, that does not understand already.

how horrible it feels, to know a cure to so much pain,

and having given it freely,

stand amongst a crowd of people crying for what they trample at their feet.



i believe, that if you are a fighter, and do not give up, you will always find like-minded people, comrades and friends, to help with anything they can.

and my belief, as yours, is/was/and will be, broken many times.

yes, sometimes you will fall so deep, that you will require help to get back upon your feet.

but don't refuse this help because of the classification of the person giving it, or due to past experience and pain.

no day is quite like it's predecessor. no one person is the same as any one other.



peace,
shade.

life is weird.

Sometimes i wonder about distance, and what it means, really.

the relationship between physical miles, and distances of hearts and minds.
can true friendship exist without any physical manifestation, or are we so rooted to our bodies, that only the physical contact is the one that truly counts?

i think the former is correct.

One of my best friends is recovering from a heart-attack, somewhere in the USA.
I am not worried and afraid even, just... empty, thinking of it.
i don't believe it has truly dawned on me, yet, just how close i was to losing him.

i have never met him in person.
i never gave him a hug, or even a handshake.
but for so many nights and days and weeks, without asking for anything in return, he was there for me.

i wake up at 5 am, when everyone is still asleep.
and when i close my laptop, and go to uni, no one is there to say good morning, have a nice day, simply because it is too early for someone to be awake at the time.

but since i knew him, more mornings than not, i'll awake to see this tiny message on my screen.

have a nice day, shade.
good morning!!!

and i'll smile, and my whole day will be coloured in a different, more positive light.

do we even want that much?

for several weeks now, life was so hard for him.
i was, if not the only, than one of the only people to show him friendship, simple human sympathy, and just.. someone to listen, i guess.

and now i'm wondering, how come.

he is a true friend, to me, and to anyone that would give him half a chance, one of the kindest, outgoing, help-everyone-i-can, never giving up, optimistic, loving people i know, loyal, trustworthy, generous, intelligent and smart.

so.. what is it, that we actually want, if this is not enough?


what does it say about us, that the biggest hearts i know are broken all alone, and making not a sound.